The Mother.

We are never going to be perfect. Somewhere in me thinks we might be able to be, but I swear I truly know that it is not possible. I guess having expectations on you as a young child from a very intense parent can do that to you.

Yesterday morning, I wasn’t very patient. I lost my shit and just got so frustrated with everything. The girls and I walk a fine line sometimes of sisters and mom. I by no means allow them to treat me as if I am their sister, nor do I view them as such, but we can have our moments where it feels that way, and we cool. Which is sometimes the issue. Anyway, I spent the whole morning beating up myself about not being the perfect mother. There is just so much on my plate right now, and it’s not going to stop. All good things, to say the least. It’s me being busy, but I love it though too. I love to work. That’s just my truth. I know there is so much out there about hustle culture and the toxicity behind that. Having it be from a patriarchal standpoint, and I get it, I think I am like this because of how my dad put his value in himself with his work. I mean, that’s why his picture is at the store. My work ethic is because of his and I personally do not think it is something bad. I am exhausted af but I don’t want to stop until everything is how I imagine it to be. And with all this beauty and rainbows talk, there was also a ton of disappointment in myself today. I mean just so much negative self-talk, and then I was reminded of my inner child and “the inner child wound” (I am rolling my eyes but like at myself) that was being spoken to the way I was speaking to me (now). I had texted a few friends about how my reaction with the girls was that morning, and everyone was very honest in their responses with such great guidance too. I love that I have people in my life I can be honest with. As I am growing/evolving/just fucking living, whatever you want to call it—well, really, I guess, it’s just focusing on therapy and what she is trying to teach me. I am able to connect the dots of childhood to adulthood which has made “the now” so easy to try to make better. To make different than what I have known and what I have been doing. I think it’s super cool but it does make me aware of every little thing about myself, which in that same breath I am not sure if that is good for me either. I feel like I have had so many situations that have made me feel like Katrina = bad that I think from time to time I am “bad Katrina.” I am going to bounce back and forth right now, so bear with me, but now we are fast-forwarding to becoming a mom. I was a kid. I was 23 when I had Edie. This is coming from the person who knew very well that she never wanted children. I wasn’t ever the kid that liked babies, I didn’t grow up thinking of having a family, and now I am seeing it maybe wasn’t because I didn’t like children like I thought or all the other little things but that my perception of family was pretty fucked up and that mothering meant becoming my mother. And I am not here to bad-mouth her. My latest realization was how some of my opinions of my mom may not truly be my own. My father conditioned me and also made me believe that certain things about my mom are true. Then it hit me if it’s so fucking hard being a mom it was hard for her too and then what about HER CHILDHOOD and what her marriage must have been like for her. But then that’s when my “That’s So Raven” moment came about … why does my story have to intertwine with that? It is exhausting and I am going to do all I can to just end that cycle. There is no way that I can allow the girls to carry that too. I have the weight of so many hurt women on my shoulders and I have my own experiences. I have been broken so many times truly with just my mind's own anxieties yet alone trauma, and I have a hold on things now. I have the “tools” that I have been seeking. I need to be more aware an implement them more and in time it will be easier. But I did question why am I still holding onto this thought or this trauma response? I am not mad at my mom. I do not not talk to her because I am ignoring her, honestly, I am tired of being let down and I am working on parts of myself to be better equipped for the day I may want to entertain that idea (have to be prepared for anything) but for now I just got to protect me.

Last night at our gathering there were lots of conversations from our cards about grace, saying “yes”, mothering yourself, and listening to your body. There is some comfort in seeing other people that have experienced certain things in their life that are trying. That are healing, and none of it is with any negativity or pettiness; it’s all so powerful. To have everyone in your circle working on bettering their lives, careers, education, and mental health is inspiring to want and be better. My friend Chloe told me last night all these beautiful ways of how to show yourself grace, how to mother yourself while she was telling me this I kept feeling so unsure of how I would even attempt to know where to start. But then I remembered that when I apply myself to things, I do it and do it well. So I am trying to do it. Today was an example of trying. This morning was bad, yes. I felt awful, yes. But I was reminded about grace and I attempted it. There was a lot of talking myself down, which was pretty cool to feel that I could do too now. I apologized to the girls. I told them that my stress is not something that I can use to excuse my reactions. That my reaction was that of my own and nothing that they had done. I told them that I was sorry. Because I was. All is well now, and I might have another moment where I react that’s spicy but not really crazy. Today ended up feeling like a win. Or maybe it was a lesson. I learned. I am learning. I know I am a good mom. I don’t deny that fact; I’m just very hard on myself, and that’s been the most current topic I’m working on.

This past weekend I have realized certain things about myself that I can pinpoint about my childhood. It’s amazing how something holds on, and as mentioned earlier it’s negative self-talk for me. I didn’t know that it was that; I didn’t know its name. But now that I am aware of it and know what it’s called, I'm working on it, and I am definitely never tolerating from anyone including myself. Something has happened. It is like a new "healing tool" was learned, and I just keep getting these ah-ha moment or again maybe it’s all just because of therapy. It’s addicting. To gain this awareness. Not too long ago I felt so empty and beat down. I still remember saying out loud to a friend that I felt like I was lacking confidence, not from an insecurity or my appearance or anything just from the lack of security of who I was inside. I mentioned last night how I have always worn the words of what men in my life say I am. I don’t have anyone in my life telling me shit anymore. Why would I hold on to the things I have been told? I’m thinking of this because every man I have ever opened up to about my childhood and my fears of mothering because of what I know has always taken the opportunity to bring it up viciously, and for whatever reason, I always believed it when I was told that. Probably for so many other reasons that are not worth mentioning. It’s not ever going to be that way again and I feel ugly even saying that maybe there is more to unpack there but with the subject of mothering a lot of my challenges are because people I have trusted have said some really awful things and then some really beautiful things. What do you believe?

Today was really hard. But it ended up being very beautiful. I can’t stop saying how thankful I am for these incredibly painful moments. Growing up I was always told that I liked to learn the hard way whatever that means, but I definitely have learned how to take the steps needed to rise from the hard things at least.

**Writing has helped me so much release these feelings. I appreciate those who hold space for it. I think this is the strongest I have felt in a while and I am so excited to see where the road leads.

Song Inspo: The Mother - Brandi Carlile