But on a Wednesday … I watched it begin again.

Happiness, that peculiar notion, currently dances through my thoughts. Defined as an "enduring state of mind" – not merely joy, but a blend of feeling content and valued. Presently, I'm navigating the aftermath of a 7-year breakup, missing family, and juggling the challenges of single motherhood, all while attempting to thrive in this chaotic world. It's been a concoction of weariness, stress, and oddly, the most profound happiness I've ever experienced. I didn’t realize but I am so looking forward to some sunshine and warmth. Then there's work – my sanctuary. Yes, it's stressful, but it's also an immense joy. So with all that being said I decided to write to release my current thoughts at the moment and strongly considering to bring my blog back.

So my personal life is like a rollercoaster. We know this already. I am in therapy, which I absolutely obsessed, I recently expressed the experience of finally growing up – a huge goal for this year. I had somewhat of revelation sparked by an eye-opening essay last year about no one coming to save us. It hit me that I've been conditioned to believe I need saving, inadvertently attracting those who want to be my heroes. It seemed like it is time for a bit of a reprogramming. I was living 35 years one way and decided, "Hey, let's switch things up!" It's a mind-bending experience. It is painful and exhausting kind of cool, too. It all feels like a million new adventures. Life has been tossing various tests my way. Setting boundaries has been a challenging. Something my friends and therapist have been trying to teach me is what is it that I want? Also, to listen to the things people say like the ACTUAL words they are saying. I might idealize people and situations a bit too much. I think listening to what people say and the words they use is what I have to/should go by? What a concept?

eye roll lol all the things

BUT I have struggled with that. Yet there's beauty in the pain of growth. I'm discovering that this chapter, despite its ick, brings growth with new beginnings. Practicing tarot again, and reconnecting with myself have become exactly what I needed for peace. It's been this crazy journey of shedding fears and anger. There has been a lot of charting new territory in every possible way.

Like the dating scene.

Some friends and I opted to make an online dating profile for me, it was a nightmare. But then there was this time when we had this ridiculous laughter for what felt like hours because of the dating app and that was so needed too. I really cherish that moment because it was ridiculous but also made this scary moment easier. One friend (my dearest one) even had to give me a little pep talk before. Prepared me for some big emotions that might come up and as I am writing this I really appreciate that. I don’t think I realized it then but that was a very new and uncomfortable moment. But I don’t think the app is my thing. Maybe it didn’t help that in the background my playlist played Taylor Swift's "Begin Again." The lyrics hit home – the fear, the grieving of what was, and the terrifying possibilities of falling in love again. The song made me feel fear and excitement. I cried lol. Sometimes I can imagine the beginning stages of meeting someone new but that doesn’t last too long. Mostly because like WTF WOULD I DO? Will I ever be comfortable with opening up to someone else again? Or like for the first time in a while? LIKE FULLY OPEN WITH WALLS DOWN and everything!?! Can you hear my panic? I tried going out with someone though and it was strange. I felt sexualized right away, I remember him opening my door and him oohing and awing like I was this shiny toy he just got. It was absolutely strange and although he was “polite” and asked permission for everything he did or attempted to do it just was a mess. He seemed so kind though? He was funny too. When we had talked it felt like there was so many things in common. I was actually excited. He was older, the oldest person I had spoken to/dated whatever you call it. But he didn’t make me feel comfortable right away. I had tried to be but I wasn't. In person he wasn’t passionate about the things that he claimed interest him. Things we had both liked he didn’t seem to know much of. The whole thing was so uncomfortable. There is much more to that dating story and maybe that can kick off this new dating blog? Let’s just agree to say it didn’t end well. I am seriously sitting here so flustered by that date and kind of traumatized by it. That would be some of my first dating experiences.

Then there was this man from my past who recently professed his love for me. Apologized for all the things. Told me he has never stopped loving me blah, blah, blah. Telling me he wanted to “take care” of my children and me. As I sat and listened to him talking to me on the phone (for 45 minutes), I thought about how this man didn’t know me at all. He thought that this conversation would mean something to me now? Like he seriously thought I was going to say, “Come to Georgia, and let's do this!” What in the world? None of that was something I would want to hear, especially on that particular day. Whatever version of me he was holding onto was not the same person I am today. I don’t think that was ever a version of me that even existed. I think sometimes men look at me and perceive me to be something other than what I am or whatever version they want me to be to or for them. I think this will be a challenge, but in writing this, I am seeing that this really would possibly be fun writing material. How that ended was when he called me the next day after I had already told him that I would not be doing this again. I ignored the call and I sent him a text about charging him for my time. I called it “project-based work.” I thought if he could waste my time while I was at work with his bullshit about loving me and trying to remind me of living room dances that I had not a clue about, I had to give it a shot to see if he would actually pay me for taking his call. How I took that moment with him was after all these years he was STILL trying to bullshit me. That guy had really hurt me before. He put me in a position I wasn’t really down for but thought I cared enough about him to do. He knew that I cared about him. The whole time on the phone he would never let me talk. He would cut me off, and when I spoke, would interrupt me, repeating the word “babe” until I would just stop speaking and kept calling me wrong. At that moment, I declared that I hated men and I did. That day I kept thinking, what is it about me that welcomes that? Why did he think after all this time I hadn’t moved on and grown up? I am so thankful that I did and till this day he still calls. Even with me being as clear as I can be that I am not interested. So with all that being said, I don’t know if I truly am open to date. I am not sure that it is healthy for me. I am at this stage of my life, and I am so happy with getting to know me and love me. I am also not sure that I can have the true ability to open my heart to someone. I loved someone for a long time. The ability to move forward from that doesn’t happen overnight. The thought of having vulnerable and intimate moments with someone is kind of overwhelming, and I am not sure unless someone's intentions were kind and there was just this physical feeling of knowing that I would really be willing to give anything a shot with someone. How do people do this? The last time I was single, I was 28. I think for me that more time has to go by.

I don’t feel lonely. There are times when I think it might be fun to entertain the idea of simply meeting people. There isn’t anything wrong with that. But I feel like history has shown some uncomfortable positions with doing so. I am not in my 20s anymore so maybe I would be able to stand firm to my boundaries and not get into a situation that isn’t ideal. I would hope so. I really wasn’t able to I felt with the guy I met online so maybe not. But if it isn’t emotionally terrifying being a woman in this day and age. Who can you trust? Are people (men) even safe? I recently told a friend of mine that I also don’t know if I have it in me to love again fully. I was 19 when I met the girl's dad and there were men before and after him men that I so wildly poured my heart at. I was such an optimistic young girl. I went into everything with both feet but at that time I also yearned for love returned. I got hurt a lot then but I also did the hurting too. I didn’t appreciate some really nice guys. Some I am still in touch with and it is really lovely to see how their life went about. They are still good men. All married. All happy. When I finally married the girl's dad and had children I was still that wild love girl that had a lot to give again and was always all in. But when things got really bad and eventually led up to his death that optimism died too. There were times in my relationship with Sam (my ex) that I felt and knew that I loved him so much but that because of my pain and this weight of trauma that landed in our life that it prevented me from showing him the full capacity of which I loved him. That optimism died and that is very sad because I really did love him. My therapist told me that as we grow and experience things the way we love and show love can change. What a shame. I miss that version of me. Maybe that was the version of me that the guy from my past was holding onto? The version of me that loved fully. Who had fun and wasn’t holding on to anything that would make her fear love. Maybe that part of me can never come back again in that same light hearted way but I know that I can show myself love and that with time maybe some optimism can come back into my life too. I want nothing more than for my walls to come down. I want to share beautiful moments with someone again and love the way I know love can be. It does seem like a beautiful thought. But one day. My walls have been coming down from me. With trusting myself more that all helps me so much and leads to more growth.

There is a lot to talk to my therapist about. Y’all have literally read the way my mind spins and thinks right now. That was exhausting but I am happy to let that out. TBD for sure but what I am gathering is that I am going to (and probably should) heal myself first and the rest will come later. But I really might have something with writing a blog and dating for the first time after so long.

I'm thankful for the lighthearted moment my friends tried to have with me, I seriously haven’t laughed so hard in the longest time and I guess that's really all I need. Friendships. Loved by friends who embrace me in my silliest and even my darkest moments, I've come to understand that I am genuinely loved and worth loving. I do not deny my dark parts I still have them they don’t go away but by knowing where they are I am learning how to heal them all. I am learning that I have qualities and a heart that is worth sharing. There is still so much growth needed but being less fearful makes me feel so ahead of where I once was. I am thankful for my daughters they are the anchors of my world, they teach me resilience and show me so much daily. I'm grateful for the peace and contentment we have found. Despite the tears shed while writing this, and the occasional heartache, I find myself in a state of happiness. At peace. Content. Fearless of the future, unafraid to love and be loved. No longer sabotaging the good things; I've learned to fully embrace self-love, making the way for a hopeful, transformative journey. With many laughs along the way. I am not sure what my reasoning was to start writing this morning but I feel so happy that I did. A weight is lifted and I am ready to start my day and go to work. A message just popped up on my phone, urging me to seek happiness in the present. It resonates. Seeing the beauty in everything, my heart is filled with gratitude and some humor, too.

Song Inspo: Begin Again (Taylors Version) - Taylor Swift

** The app’s lasted less than 48 hours

*** I spent all day Wednesday listening to Taylor Swift.