Say What You Will.

The past two weeks have been some of the most wild and busy weeks of my life. I am in this position in my life where I am working my hardest all to have my dreams remain but also continue to come true. For the longest time, my "why" has always been Edie and Olivia. It still is, but this is for me. I've shared before how life has always been survival, and right now, life is truly beautiful. I have never been happier with my life, with who I am. I have made great peace with the road that has led me here. My friend Hannah told me about this “what if game” she thinks about where you take something bad and say, "What if that didn’t happen, then this wouldn’t have happened and I wouldn’t have done 'this'." So we talked more about that, and I feel very aware that had I not left Los Angeles and moved to Georgia, I wouldn’t have the store and the community that has been built because of it. I wouldn’t have met my first friend in Georgia and all my other friends who we have as our chosen family. Even with the obstacles. I wouldn’t have found healing possibly. I wouldn’t have the people in my life. Which I just told my friend Caroline that I have never felt so supported in my life, and that’s scary to me, too. I have had this gift of peace and calm in my life that sometimes things feel a bit uneasy. I started crying when I told her that, so now I am here writing and pouring out my soul (probably too much for public), but I really don’t give a fuck. I had cried a bit today, and it’s been a while since. Odd. I attribute it to me being exhausted. When I got to the store today and saw Hannah and Caroline, I just got emotional. It is clear to see. So many people have been commenting on how tired I look, which I have always felt like that was a nice way of saying you look like shit. I just don’t see any other way right now. I feel (literally) so much weight on my shoulders right now. Literally having to be two parents and two incomes is beyond my ability to understand how it’s even possible for one person (yet alone two these days) to do that. But I am trying, maybe even doing. I come home after working since 8am most days and seeing Edie’s face concerned with how tired I look but her saying, "Mom, I am so proud of you," is the sweetest thing. For my 12-year-old to understand to the best of her ability what I am trying to do for our family is very motivational. Sometimes I worry that they might resent how much I worked.

As a child, I watched my dad work so hard, and being the only child for so long, I spent so much time with him while he worked on weekends. I got my work ethic from him and his better parts of parenting. He worked like a dog to provide for his family, and he was always there for us, no matter what. I learned so much from him. I am so thankful for that time I had with him. Our days of driving around Los Angeles, listening to the best music, eating yummy meals, shopping a bit after going to visit his patients. It always admired he way the families would welcome him into their home, the hugs they would give me, and the things they had known about me was always so amazing to me as a young child to see how he was treated by people and the impact he had made in their lives was pretty cool. One of the things that my father gifted me at a young age was how to treat people the same, no matter their profession or social class. You treat everyone the same. How to communicate with people in work which benefited me, but he hated how strong-willed I became once I became a young adult, that he often would try to break that spirit. The reality is that I have lived with feeling that I was everything he hated in a woman. I was loud, opinionated, non-traditional, strong-willed, and forward (take that for how you will). God, this is making me think of how there were times too that he would then praise it. This is making so much sense now. The way how for the past couple of months, the pieces are clicking, and everything is aligning, and I am understanding more about me, my family, and all the other things. There were times he would praise the way I “was” and/or appeared to be to him. He liked that I wouldn’t take any shit and I wasn’t intimidated by others, but that never was the case if it was against what he wanted or believed. I recognize now how much softer I am and strong has such a different meaning now. Defintely trying to implamint my word of the year and it’s been very enjoyable.

I don’t want to be that way with my girls. I am so thankful of the relationship we have. Now more than ever, the girls are my team. They are still pre-teens and ridiculous sometimes, but they are such solid humans, and we truly support each other. I don’t know how I have been so lucky. They are my soulmates. I know my dad loved me. I think my brother and sister can say that confidently, but it was so hard to be his child and adult daughter. I wish so badly that I had the permission to be myself as a child the way that I feel Edie and Olivia are their own person. It’s been very challenging to raise yourself and figure out how to process everything later in life. I know I am not the only one with family stuff, but I always think about the people that don’t know what that’s like, and I wish if I was able to do anything that I could have given that for the girls. I tried to do things right. I didn’t know that their father wouldn’t be here anymore, and when I got the phone call that he had died, I didn’t know how I was going to tell the girls. I was so angry at William. I was young. I don’t feel that way anymore, but I hate that the girls have had to experience this loss. They have moments where they’re emotional, we stop what we are doing, indulge in something delicious, grab a blanket, and watch something and just be. But the way those girls persevere and do so gracefully is really something that I look up to and aspire to do and be like. I am trying.

I recently talked to my mom the other day. Well, via text. She sent me some pictures saying something like I am not trying to bother you I just want to say hello, and that broke my heart so I responded for the first time in some time and told her that I loved her and I wasn’t trying to ignore her. I let her know that I am working on me to better be able to communicate with her. I told her how occupied I am with my work and felt the need to tell her that I am not mad at her or hold anger towards her and told her I loved her again. I did that because it is all true. I would love nothing more than to have a mother. I am not sure that is possible. I have made peace with that too. I have found it challenging to mother her, and for the first time in my life, I am able to know what it’s like to give myself grace. Because I don’t know if that is the organic feeling that a daughter should feel. I know we don’t know the future and maybe I should or can be more hopeful of the possibilities of what my mom and I can have, but that’s scary, and it doesn’t seem emotionally safe, but I am so aware of time, how we don’t last forever, that I don’t want to feel any regret that I didn’t try harder. After this week, I guess all I needed to do was release. I feel a bit better and less overwhelmed now. I don’t feel anxious which is cool but I have had crazy sensory overload. I just have felt overwhlemed.

I remember times in my life where I felt like I yearned for my parents' love as an adult (which led to the same with the girls' dad and my ex) and realized my greatest love is the girls. I am not trying to be cheesy; it’s my truth. It always amazed me how their little hands have carried me through life for the past 10-12 years. Over time learning how to be whole and love me fully has been a true gift, too. I am so thankful for the chance to grow and experience this life even with the normalcy of life’s uphill battle. It is a new moon tonight, and I am about to do a ritual and reading after this because this is exactly what I needed to do, just fucking vent. All week, maybe even the past two weeks, I have just been on this grind of not stopping that maybe I haven’t done a lot of feeling and processing. Like always I am not sure what my point in writing was tonight, I generally don’t, I usually just put on some music, get a little stoned, and see where some song takes me. I used to do that as a teenager, I am happy to be nurturing her. I had stopped writing for about 8 years, and it’s nice to do this again. I bare my heart as I would if it were my journal, and I question all the time if it’s too honest to share, but the amount of people who find comfort in sharing their story or feelings to me because they feel safe to is really awesome. I wouldn’t ever want people to feel alone. Before I go and do my ritual, I want to be clear that even though I am tired and can’t stop saying I am exhausted, I have never felt so strong. Sisters of The Moon is going to be everything I ever imagined it to be. I won’t stop trying and working till we get there. The girls will continue to know they are loved and supported, and I am doing everything in my fucking power to break cycles that have been before our time was even here. I know fully that I am creating the life I have always wanted. It’s here now. I have made that. I am so thankful for the work I am doing right now because it’s what is supporting the girls, the business and I that I hope my heart and energy, although sleepy still radiates genuine gratitude. What a strange life and blog. How crazy the stories we all hold and live. I feel free for the first time. How beautiful everything ends up being. I should be going to bed now. Byeeeee.

Song Inspo: Say What You Will - James Blake

** If you don’t know the song stop what you are doing and listen now!