I Have No Fear Have Only Love.
Today, I woke up with this vivid memory of 7 years ago, being on the Santa Monica Beach with the most perfect California Pink sky, feeling so damn good and sitting next to someone I was starting to fall in love with. But I didn’t feel sad; it was just a very strong memory that I was unsure as to why I felt that way as soon as I woke up. But in writing this, I realize that earlier in the week, I woke up from a really silly dream that he and I were roaming around Los Angeles with my friend Malyssa’s grandmother and having such a ridiculously fun time. I woke up a little bummed after that dream. I think mostly because I really miss my friend and her family. I miss Los Angeles, and I guess that’s what part of the sadness that dream that day and now made me feel. My memory of the beach quickly took me to what that day looked like earlier that day. I was on my way to Bakersfield, California, to go see Elton John and spend the weekend in a town I had no clue what to do in, so an hour in, I checked the tickets to see that the show was canceled because Elton John got sick. So, an impromptu trip to Santa Monica on the metro was decided along with partaking in some fun on the way. I remember getting off the metro and thinking that I would never forget this day, and the truth is I haven’t, and it is clear that this is now a core memory. We went to visit friends from his past and then down to the beach. I felt every bead of sand and all the wind around me. The day and soon-to-be night was perfect, and in a moment, my life changed, and I fell in love.
All those memories flooded me today, and I really tried to understand what that made me feel right now, and all I could really make out of it was that I was thankful. I felt really thankful that I have experienced love, and then I realized how many times I have experienced love and how much more is in store for me too. Just because I have experienced love, that doesn’t mean it was always right or healthy. I have made peace with the idea that forever isn’t always, and that idea is sometimes exciting. Time and life are very weird things. Today, I saw something that said “it won’t always be this way,” and at the bottom in the smallest letters said “one day you’ll be dead,” and that seriously made me smile. Life really is so beautiful. It’s not easy; it doesn’t always give you what you want, but when you take a look around, I wouldn’t change a thing right now. As I was thinking all these things, Stevie Nicks was playing in the background. It was Gypsy, and it’s like a sign (I take everything as such). I imagined what she was thinking and doing while writing this song. I thought about who she wrote the song for and if she even ever thought of it that way, that if years later, what her songs would mean to others. That song is one of my favorite songs ever and holds a lot of dreams in my heart that I am not sure if will ever come to be. I say dreams because it’s not a goal, but something I have thought about, so I must want... Anyway, it got me thinking how lucky I feel to love myself now and how great that love is and so necessary before accepting/wanting anyone else’s. Last night, after leaving a friend's house, I took myself on a little ice cream date. I didn’t know the exact day because I am ridiculous, but I thought, I’m going to do something for myself I want to do, and I just want to romanticize my life on my own fully and daily for every little damn thing. Things may have never worked out the way I hoped or “planned,” but for the first time in my life, I don’t have a freaking plan, and I also don’t have the desire to take life or anything so seriously. I just want to do, and I strive to do everything I want and to be peaceful and happy. I feel thankful for experiences; I also feel so thankful for the love I have in my life through friends too.
Today, I feel grateful for memories, love, and the possibility of new. All I want to do is cherish every moment I have here and surround myself with people that feel good. I have had some experiences lately to show me that there is so much to be hopeful for. The unknown isn’t a scary place but a place to be excited for. I have recently discovered the ability to be more aware of what my body is telling me, and that’s a skill I had never had much awareness about but have been so aware of now. I also read something about having people's narratives about you be whatever they want it to be, and that’s a known fact that I am so okay with, more so recently than ever. I guess this season is full of soft moments, hustle mentality, and excitement. Everything feels so good; everything feels so clear, and I also don’t know what’s going on or what the next step is, but I’m so looking forward to the journey of discovery. Nothing can stop me and I am not worried or afraid of anything.
Song Inspo: Gypsy - Stevie Nicks